Absolut Crap
Team Biographies
Andrew Brady
Andrew is the captain of Absolut Crap. He is ranked a B+ by his peers after
two seasons as an A. He is married and works as a Statistician for Florida
State University. He enjoys golf (as of 11/98 he hates golf), watching
football, coaching baseball, playing the stock market, and spending time
with family and friends. He graduated from Florida State and grew up in
Jackson Mississippi. He and his wife, Kim, are proud to announce the arrival
of Olivia Renee Brady
who was born on June 3rd, 1998.
Eric Sellers
Eric is actually a loser who left Crap, but came back. Eric left
Crap a couple of seasons ago to start the "New York Strippers" dart extravaganza
and travelling tuba quartet. The group disbanded near Kansas City,
when Eric began his crusade against the 'Thin Mint' girl scout cookies.
He won nearly $10 million dollars in a law suit against the girl scouts,
but squandered every penny betting on croquet matches in Norway.
Since then, he has passed his time performing lobotomys in an illegal hospital
in the Cayman Islands. Fortunately, he never quit playing darts -
and jumped at the chance to rejoin Absolut Crap in Fall 1998. His
turn-ons include: sticking glitter on pinecones, welding, heckling
at tennis matches, and watching silent movies with his stereo blaring.
Dave Velazquez
Dave joined Crap in Fall of 1999, and quickly became our chief consultant
for the Y2K problem. Thanks to Dave, we were the first dart team
on the planet to become Y2K compliant. Before joining the team, Dave
was a journeyman darter who was a hated rival of Crap -- sporadically.
Dave spent the majority of the 70's as a spot-checker. First, for
a convenience store chain in Holland, then for a crawfish farm in Bogaloosa,
and lastly for a dalmation breeder in Hope, Arkansas. This is where
he met, and fell madly in love with a lovely seductress named Hillary.
Unfortunately, the love affair didn't last long, and Dave mourned thoughout
the disco era. When he finally discovered disco in the late 80's,
he was ruthlessly tormented by ADS (the anti-disco-society), and lived
a life of seclusion for 8 days, 3 hours, and 45 minutes. This is
when he ran out of food, and went out to eat. While at McDonalds,
he scalded himself with hot coffee, but was unable to collect on a frivilous
lawsuit because some old witch had the same thing happen to her the day
before. His turn-ons include: shooting rubber bands at cuckoo
clocks, cleaning the lint filters on Maytag dryers, mouthing the letter
combination "ph", and cutting the corn off an ear of corn.
Ben Varick
Ben had been a member of Absolut Carp for the past ten years. It
was only in the fall of 1999 that he joined Absolut Crap. As a founding
member of Absolut Carp (a floundering dart team along the Salmon River
basin in Idaho), Ben was in charge of providing essential vitamins to the
team. This proved to be too stressful, so Ben packed his mule and
set out for the Grand Canyon outlet mall. He worked at the Guess
Jean outlet for 3 weeks before being promoted to the Southeast Sales Manager
position. This, unfortunately for Ben, required him to move to the
southeast. He found, however, that the southeast section of Flagstaff,
Arizona wasn't as bad as he aniticipated so he lived there until the constant
yearning for life in the southeast quadrant of the United States was too
much. He sold his mule to a local weight guesser, and hopped a shepherd
pony eastward. Upon arriving in Tallahassee, Ben played the fiddle
for local Hell's Angels meetings until he was picked up by a needy Absolut
Crap team. His turn-ons include: finger-printing valuable crystal,
re-trying on clothes that are returned to the rack, and slicing, dicing,
and cubing using a Ginzu knife.
Losers Who Left "Absolut Crap"
Brian Taylor
Brian is a charter member of "Absolut Crap", and has compiled a 79-0 in
singles over his 2 year career. Brian help found the team after escaping
from prison. He has been sought by the federal police after he was suspected
of murdering his first wife. He insists, and we all believe him, that the
real murderer was a man with one arm. Brian helps out during all medical
crisises (how the hell do you pluralize crisis?), as he has a surgical
PHD. His immediate goals are to lead Absolut Crap to a title, then find
his wife's killer, then maybe attend fantasy soccer camp somewhere in Brazil.
His turn-ons include: fried zucchini, eating Chinese food with Ted Danson,
watching football on his head, ton 80's, and saying "pool pump".
Nancy Taylor
Nancy is also a charter member of "Absolut Crap", and has not lost a 501
game on the southwest side of town - at a bar with 1 or more pool tables
- when she has less than a 32 out - while her opponent has more than 350
points. Nancy is posing as Brian's wife under the witness protection plan.
She attended a small Alabama college for a while, but left after her underground
house collapsed killing her pet panda. She mourned for 5 years floating
between third world countries in the Middle East. She came to Tallahassee
after pirates in the Mediterranean hi jacked her jet ski while she was
on her way to tap dance lessons. Her turn-ons are: drunk obnoxious Seminole
fans, sitting on city bus seats after large sweaty people with short pants
stand up, drinking water from the holding tank of toilets, sexy laughs,
and saying the word "scooter".
Tara Sloan
Tara is "Crap's" newest member, and was recruited from a dart league in
the southern part of Zaire where she practiced darts by throwing porcupine
needles at an elephant's ass. Tara is famous for being the first member
of generation "X". Once, while flying her uncle's kite in Wrigley field,
she thought of a cure for cancer, but forgot it before she could write
it down. Her turn-ons are: standing in a line, break dancing on stained
glass, writing nonsense answers to crossword puzzles, chipping out of the
sand, and saying the words "computer hardware".
Debbie Spenner
Debbie was an original member of "Crap", but left after only two seasons
on the team. As a member of the team she set the modern day record of 45
consecutive tons while balancing a bottle of tequila on her nose. She later
took a job in Atlanta scraping the barnacles off of Ted Turner's mast.
She was briefly investigated for the Olympic Park bombing, but was released
after proving that she was in Pakistan selling turtle shells during the
tragedy. She still resides in Atlanta, and currently works as a seeing-eye
person for blind dogs.
Philip Rountree
Phil played on "Crap" during the early days, and was very useful getting
the team free beer at the Warehouse. Phil was famous for his trick shots.
His most talked about shot is where he spits one dart from his mouth, while
simutaneaously throwing the other darts with each hand. The dars collide
in mid-air knocking the flights off. The force of the collision flips the
darts in an end-over-end rotation where the darts finally strike the board
backwards in the trip 20, 19, and 18. Phil left the team to investigate
the Kurt Cobain murder in Seattle. He recently inked a contract with Disney
to play the role of Jim Morrison in a new movie about Mary Tyler Moore.
Melissa Sellers
Melissa re-joined Absolut Crap in the fall of 1999, a couple of seasons
after Eric re-joined Crap. The rumor that they met during a dart match
is untrue - they met on a peacekeeping mission in Guatemala. Although Melissa
knew the members of "Crap" before she met her husband, she decided to betray
"Crap", and join the "New York Strippers". Melissa was raised in New Hampshire,
and spends most of her free time trying to convince people that her grandfather
was not a Canadian Mountie. Her dreams of being born in a French hospital
were shattered at an early age when she was born in the United States.
Marty Sloan
Marty help found "Absolut Crap", and is actually credited with naming the
team. He has never missed a triple 7 in his life. Marty moved to Tallahassee
from Alaska to coach the Florida State football team. To keep local fans
from a panic, Marty underwent cosmetic surgery to assume the appearance
of head coach Bobby Bowden who was abducted by aliens. Marty coached the
Noles from 1987 until December 31 of last year. When Bowden was returned,
Marty humbly went back to his normal life of collecting whale teeth to
help save the ozone layer. His turn-ons include: finding typografical errors
in encyclopedias, painting fake addresses on street curbs, computer enhancing
Playboy models to look like lazy, fat, alcoholics sitting on porch swings
chewing tobacco, and saying the word "tundra".
Tony Okrutny
Tony was discovered by the members of Absolut Crap while he worked as a
tomato juice salesman and put ships into bottles for a hobby. Crap
courted Tony until last year, where he abruptly left town to pursue his
lifelong ambition of ridding lower Montana of prairie dogs. He achieved
his goals much sooner than anticipated, so he followed a band of gypsys
to Vermont where he tried to get autographs of famous stamp collectors.
When this failed, Tony moved back to Tallahassee and assumed the identity
of an Budhist priest rooting for the Auburn Tigers/War Eagles. He
soon gave up his priesthood after admitting to stealing crickets from a
bait shop. His turn-ons include: popping those bubbles on packing
sheets, racing 100 yard dashes against small children, drawing smiley faces,
and writing everything in italics.
Potential Members of "Absolut Crap"
Tommy Neeson (his appeal to join Absolut Crap)
You see Andrew, it is like this, after I was turned down by the Mighty
Mighty Bosstones as their lead kazoo player, I did some soul searching.
First I tried to find out why there are no "B" batteries. When I
was basically sexually assaulted by the Energizer Bunny, I moved on.
I traveled west, I think, this is where I had that situation with the cottage
cheese and its all kind of fuzzy
now. Anyway, I turned up in the great white north. It was
cold there and I really didn't like it. But I had to see if a 5 ounce
swallow could carry a 1 pound coconut. After 6 months of research,
I realized that I was in Canada not 17th century England and I could make
those horse sounds by doing that hand slapping thing on my thigh.
I was time I settled down. My town of choice? Trenton, New
Jersey. This is where I made my big push to financial freedom.
I pooled all my resources and bought me some stock. I heavily invested
in Boston Chicken. We were forced to move to down town Baltimore
where I currently make a living returning empty "40's". Its not so
bad I make my own hours and when the Mighty Mighty Bosstones come to town
I'll try again for that kazoo spot.